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ladyspriteI feel like I should be Accomplishing Great Things right now. And yet... I'm not.
Work is a little slow for the next couple of months, and to be completely honest, I've made a conscious decision to let it stay that way. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done - growing up poor, there's a constant pressure to work more, work harder, earn more money, save more money, prepare for the inevitable catastrophes that will come your way. But while I'm not wealthy, I have to admit that I can live on what I'm earning with my current level of work, and that it'll probably be good for me to slow down the pace I've been living at for a little while.
The challenge now, though, is the feeling that I should be doing more with the downtime. I'm still working 4 days a week, but free time is free time, and part of me keeps shouting that I should be able to Accomplish. Get more translating done. Clean the house. Take on challenging cooking projects. Practice tango more often. Write something deep and meaningful here. Learn something useful.
Unfortunately, all I seem to really want to do is read, and go for walks, and play games. And while people tell me that this is okay, that it's allowed, that part of being a grownup is being able to choose to fritter your time away, it doesn't quite feel true.
So I read, and I play, and I feel guilty, and I sit down to write, and nothing comes out but this. Which, while it counts as writing, is neither deep nor meaningful. I thought that maybe by putting it into words I would be able to make myself understand it, feel better about the minutes and the hours and the evenings where I'm not driving myself, but I'm not sure I do.
Most of all, I want to have fun. I don't want to feel like I'm working, and I don't want to feel like I'm drifting, and I don't want to feel like I'm wasting time with whatever choice I've made. I just want to enjoy whatever the heck it is I've chosen to do....
Work is a little slow for the next couple of months, and to be completely honest, I've made a conscious decision to let it stay that way. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done - growing up poor, there's a constant pressure to work more, work harder, earn more money, save more money, prepare for the inevitable catastrophes that will come your way. But while I'm not wealthy, I have to admit that I can live on what I'm earning with my current level of work, and that it'll probably be good for me to slow down the pace I've been living at for a little while.
The challenge now, though, is the feeling that I should be doing more with the downtime. I'm still working 4 days a week, but free time is free time, and part of me keeps shouting that I should be able to Accomplish. Get more translating done. Clean the house. Take on challenging cooking projects. Practice tango more often. Write something deep and meaningful here. Learn something useful.
Unfortunately, all I seem to really want to do is read, and go for walks, and play games. And while people tell me that this is okay, that it's allowed, that part of being a grownup is being able to choose to fritter your time away, it doesn't quite feel true.
So I read, and I play, and I feel guilty, and I sit down to write, and nothing comes out but this. Which, while it counts as writing, is neither deep nor meaningful. I thought that maybe by putting it into words I would be able to make myself understand it, feel better about the minutes and the hours and the evenings where I'm not driving myself, but I'm not sure I do.
Most of all, I want to have fun. I don't want to feel like I'm working, and I don't want to feel like I'm drifting, and I don't want to feel like I'm wasting time with whatever choice I've made. I just want to enjoy whatever the heck it is I've chosen to do....
no subject
Date: 2011-05-28 02:40 pm (UTC)Sometimes I'll feel frustrated because I'm spending my time off the way you are. It's relaxing, but it feels like time-wasting relaxing, not Accomplishing Something with my day(s) off. It's not doing what I want to be doing, because the day seems to be gone before I can even get started.
What I've discovered is that that usually happens, for me, because I'm suffering from a Lack of Fun. Big, big capital letter FUN. Not just relaxing, or just hanging out, but FUN!. Going to the beach FUN!. Going to an amusement/water park FUN!. Playing in a sprinkler FUN!. Spending a day doing goofy things with my favorite people FUN! Going to watch silly movies FUN!.
After I've had a sufficient amount of FUN!, I can go back to using my free time the way I actually *want* to use it -- whether reading, baking bread, cleaning the house, whatever. I've gotten to really PLAY! so I'm able to actually direct my free time again.
I don't know whether that makes any sense, or whether I've even described it well. But it's something I've noticed again and again in myself, and maybe it's an observation that might help you. {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}