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ladyspriteSo. I just got home from an SCA event, not too long ago. It was moderately fun, and I suppose I should be in a bouncy-good mood. There was singing, and socializing, and stitchery, and it was nice enough to see people. I even managed to recover from the fact that the off-board accomodations were.... well.... in the interests of civility, I'll just say that they were not very accomodating. But that was then and this is now, and it doesn't matter in the long run.
Anyway, we talked and we danced and I suppose I had a good time, I guess. But all I feel is... enh. It passed the time. So would staying home and watching soup simmer. I look around, and I don't recognize half of the faces, and most of the ones I do recognize just nod and smile, and move on. I feel like they're saying hello to me out of a sense of pity or obligation more than anything else - 'Oh yeah, her - I guess I owe her one dance, then I can safely ignore her for the rest of the night.' And we make noise about getting together to do this or that, but it never happens.
I know it's mostly my fault - all I really do anymore is dance practice. It's hard to do anything else, working nights. I've tried to offer to help with other things, but it's almost as if in order to be allowed to even help you need a reputation as a Major Mover and Shaker - I get brushed off and forgotten. Which is only fair, I suppose. They really should give precedence to people they know, who have already established themselves as part of the group. And whether or not that's the case, I'm incredibly not good at making myself noticeable - I'm just not able to metaphorically jump up and down and wave my arms in the air and shout, 'Hey, look at me, I'm cool and I want to be part of this!' I'm much more the sort to sit in a corner and wait for someone to find me, even though I know this doesn't really work.
Dance practice. One night a week. Not that much of a time commitment, I suppose, but I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it. I'm just making myself mopey by trying to go to events, and there's no real point in going to practice if I'm not going to ever actually dance. I could spend the time painting my nails, or finding a part-time job, or renting movies to watch with my sweetie.
I just don't know. This is going to require a lot more thought than I can muster at the moment. I don't *think* I want to stop, but I don't know if I'm capable of staying, either.
Anyway, we talked and we danced and I suppose I had a good time, I guess. But all I feel is... enh. It passed the time. So would staying home and watching soup simmer. I look around, and I don't recognize half of the faces, and most of the ones I do recognize just nod and smile, and move on. I feel like they're saying hello to me out of a sense of pity or obligation more than anything else - 'Oh yeah, her - I guess I owe her one dance, then I can safely ignore her for the rest of the night.' And we make noise about getting together to do this or that, but it never happens.
I know it's mostly my fault - all I really do anymore is dance practice. It's hard to do anything else, working nights. I've tried to offer to help with other things, but it's almost as if in order to be allowed to even help you need a reputation as a Major Mover and Shaker - I get brushed off and forgotten. Which is only fair, I suppose. They really should give precedence to people they know, who have already established themselves as part of the group. And whether or not that's the case, I'm incredibly not good at making myself noticeable - I'm just not able to metaphorically jump up and down and wave my arms in the air and shout, 'Hey, look at me, I'm cool and I want to be part of this!' I'm much more the sort to sit in a corner and wait for someone to find me, even though I know this doesn't really work.
Dance practice. One night a week. Not that much of a time commitment, I suppose, but I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it. I'm just making myself mopey by trying to go to events, and there's no real point in going to practice if I'm not going to ever actually dance. I could spend the time painting my nails, or finding a part-time job, or renting movies to watch with my sweetie.
I just don't know. This is going to require a lot more thought than I can muster at the moment. I don't *think* I want to stop, but I don't know if I'm capable of staying, either.
Levels of Involvement
Date: 2002-11-18 04:02 pm (UTC)It took a long time for me to grasp that it's okay to take it a little easier. No, you don't get as much out of it, but I generally found that I got more than I put into it. I varied my SCA involvement up and down for a fair while, spending more time in other clubs. After five or six years of that, I eventually decided that the SCA was my home base, and the other activities were sidelines. (In particular, I found that not going to dance practice just left me consistently miserable, so I made that the center-pole for my schedule.) I spent a year or so semi-gafiated, doing a lot of spudding at home, but gradually realized that I wound up even more tired and cranky when I did that than when I was getting out when I could find the time.
I seriously want you to stay, but this is one you have to work out for yourself. The thing to do is to step outside yourself a little, set aside the inevitable feelings of guilt over "am I doing enough?" (which every former Provost has a bit of, I think), and ask whether there are parts you're enjoying. If so, do those, and don't worry about the rest. That's become my mantra when I'm starting to feel burned out (which happens once every year or two) -- concentrate on what I actually enjoy doing, and screw the rest.
As for the part of not knowing the people around you -- I can't address that one from personal experience (having never really left for any measure of time), but it's important to remember that it takes time to get to know any group, and there's been a lot of turnover. It's been looking to me like you've been becoming "one of the group" again gradually (as I did only about a year ahead of you), but you're the only one who can really judge that...