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ladyspriteI am really, really, really sick and tired of Bucking Up and Being Strong and Acting Like A Goddamned Grownup and being told to just cope with shit.
In the past week I've had to deal with my creepy stalker ex-boyfriend from goddamn high school contacting me again, injuring my neck again so I'm on exercise restriction AGAIN, and finding out that someone stole my identity and about $1000 from my checking account/debit card. While I don't have any work, or enough money to make ends meet as it is.
And right now I'm supposed to square my shoulders and take a deep breath and go to the bank and go pick up a friend who needs a ride and clean the house and bake cookies for tonight's gaming group and be a smiley hostess and figure out alternate means of paying for everything until I get reimbursed and get my new card activated and do this all while I'm on heavy-duty muscle relaxants and coping without my primary stress-relief outlet, but I DON'T WANT TO.
I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. I want to quit this game. I want to have someone pick me up and carry me home and tell me I don't have to play anymore.
But that's not an option. So up I get and out I go. When do I get to stop running on this damn hamster wheel?
In the past week I've had to deal with my creepy stalker ex-boyfriend from goddamn high school contacting me again, injuring my neck again so I'm on exercise restriction AGAIN, and finding out that someone stole my identity and about $1000 from my checking account/debit card. While I don't have any work, or enough money to make ends meet as it is.
And right now I'm supposed to square my shoulders and take a deep breath and go to the bank and go pick up a friend who needs a ride and clean the house and bake cookies for tonight's gaming group and be a smiley hostess and figure out alternate means of paying for everything until I get reimbursed and get my new card activated and do this all while I'm on heavy-duty muscle relaxants and coping without my primary stress-relief outlet, but I DON'T WANT TO.
I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. I want to quit this game. I want to have someone pick me up and carry me home and tell me I don't have to play anymore.
But that's not an option. So up I get and out I go. When do I get to stop running on this damn hamster wheel?
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Date: 2013-02-21 02:31 pm (UTC)The hardest thing in the world for us do-be types is to say no. But that's how you end up with a month (mine was December) when you have so many things to do and places to be and favors to render that you can't even THINK, and you feel like crying ALL THE TIME.
I have Made A Vow, and my husband says he'll help me keep it, that I will specifically REDUCE the things that I volunteer for. And it's totally not fair that you are generally reducing the fun things, like baking cookies, or (in my case) designing calendars - or even, giving rides to friends. But unfortunately, in this life, we can't reduce the un-fun things (like work, or dealing with banks). And SOMEthing needs to be reduced. And even if seeing my friends or going out ballroom dancing with my husband or whatever IS fun, in the end it takes energy, and sometimes I'm much better off saying No right at the beginning, staying home, and reading a book. (And doing MY back exercises *sigh* your neck, my back)
And volunteering to help friends? I feel like a heel sometimes, not immediately saying that I'll help, but I have to keep telling myself that there are other people in the world besides me who can help, and that it won't help ANYbody if I jump in and do everything and then have a nervous breakdown. (I watched my mother do that - I do NOT want to go there.) It sucks, but the only person who can prevent that breakdown is me.
*sigh*
I am very sorry that you are having such a nasty time. I REALLY sympathize.