Musings On The Day

[ladysprite]

It's my birthday today. I'm older than I ever thought I'd be, and that's... an odd feeling.

When I was growing up, I decided that I wouldn't live past thirty. I wasn't a very happy kid, and I had watched my great-grandmother fall apart at her mental seams from dementia. I knew that, for large chunks of my family, our bodies tended to last a lot longer than our brains, and I didn't ever want that to happen to me.

I had things that I wanted to accomplish with my life, but when I sat down and thought about it, I realized that if I stayed on track I would be finished with all of them (move to Boston, go to college, be a veterinarian) by the time I was 30. So I just figured that that would be it - I'd make it to 30, do everything I wanted to do, and then there wouldn't be much of anything left, I wouldn't miss anything, and I'd just.... stop. I wouldn't live past that. And while this was mostly a joke, there was a lot of truth in it too. My mental image of my life always stopped there.

And then thirty came, and there were enough other major life changes going on around it - getting married, changing my name, quitting my job, starting my own business - that it was just one more little change in among everything else. While it registered on my mental and emotional radar, it wasn't nearly as major a moment as I had thought it would be. By the time my self-identity truly updated to register that I was past my self-imposed expiration date, it was almost a year later.

And then there were other goals, and other big life moments. Mountains to be climbed and houses to buy and shows to rehearse for and crises to maneuver through, and the passage of time just kind of drifted past me. Until I wound up here.

I don't know why, but for some reason this year I'm suddenly realizing how old I am. I never wanted to be this age, and I don't know quite how I feel about it. I'm old enough that, if my life had taken a different path, I could be the parent of a high school student. I'm old enough that I've spent almost as much time after college as I did before it. I've known my husband more than half my life. I identify more with the parents than the kids when I watch movies or read books. Magazines tell me that I should start Botox treatments ASAP, and that I need special creams and potions to get rid of the lines around my eyes. People tell me that my hairstyle is "inappropriate for my age."

I know that, to a lot of the people reading this, I'm still just a babe in arms. I know I'm not Old. But... I'm older than my image of myself, and that's just starting to hit home.

I don't want to stop being here. As much as the idea may be appealing sometimes, I'm still very much in love with the world and my place in it, and I'd rather get old and have fun than die young and avoid any risks. Especially this year, when death has been such a constant specter in the lives of my family and friends, I want to cling to every minute allotted to me. And I suppose that it's fairly telling that the mental and emotional repercussions of leaving my 20's are only just starting to hit me now, at 36.

I guess I just need to decide whether I want to recalibrate my mental image at all - whether it's more inappropriate and embarrassing to keep on thinking of myself as young, or more depressing and limiting to think of myself as mature. And what the hell does that even mean, anyway? I have no interest at all in becoming sedentary, or giving up my long hair or my nerdy-kid hobbies and interests... but at the same time, I don't want to be one of those awkward frozen-in-time people who still wear miniskirts and haunt college campuses and hang out with teenagers when they really ought to have moved on.

I don't know. I don't even know what questions to ask, right now....

Comments

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday!

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

You might want to look at me and my life while you're considering what to do with yours. There are some differences, of course, but we're both childfree and fannish, my hair is long (not as long as yours, but long enough to get some of that "inappropriate" bullshit), and I tend to hang out with people who are 15-25 years younger than I am -- not exclusively, and not because I go looking for them specifically, but because those are the people who tend to share my interests. I've developed my own style of dress, more-or-less using the "eccentric artist" model; it lets me look different without getting into the area of "mutton dressed as lamb", which I fear most Goth stuff would be at this point. :-) In a lot of ways, my mental self-image is still about the age you are now, and that's working very well for me.

There's a difference between becoming a grownup and turning into a grup, and it is possible to do the first without doing the second. I think you're fairly well along the way already; you just haven't realized it yet.

[aries-walker.livejournal.com]

There are really people in the world who think long hair is inappropriate for someone over thirty? Voraciously ignore those people. They know not of what they speak.

I can really sympathize with this post. I've got a few years on you, and I'm still hoping to have children some day - meanwhile, my classmates have teenagers and my brother and sister are both grandparents. I, on the other hand, wear black t-shirts with band names on them, play games with homemade fake weapons and toy guns, and, because I'm on my own again, do things like wonder if so-and-so likes me and whether I should ask her out, the sort of things high schoolers do. And I now have to do all of these things while growing old, which makes me want on several levels to do none of them.

But, as George Burns used to say, growing old isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. In reading through your post, I think you're one step ahead of any piece of advice I'd give. You've got the problems but, in true you style, you also know what to do. The only thing I'd recommend to you is to remind yourself daily that you've got lots of friends who love you.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

There are really people in the world who think long hair is inappropriate for someone over thirty?

Oh, absolutely. I've been told that long hair on older (over 30, over 50, depending) women is unprofessional, means we're desperately trying to hang onto your lost youth, means we're frivolous and spend too much on "product", and is an even greater etiquette violation than wearing white shoes after Labor Day. The most recent quote I heard was, "A younger woman with long hair looks innocent, but an older woman with long hair looks desperate."

Me, I say fuck 'em with somebody else's dick. It's my hair and I'll wear it to please me.

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

Hear hear! And to be honest, my hair wouldn't know what to do if I put "product" in it!

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

As a long haired person who braids her hair back in the workplace (it's ranged from calf length to mid-back since I've been here) what I've noticed is that hair that is braided back translates for most people as 'short and professional' and I get either a very positive or a shocked reaction on the few occasions where I wear it loose, so there are options.

On the other hand, I work at a relatively liberal company in New York City, so your mileage may vary.

At any rate, have a very happy birthday! I don't think there's anything wrong with being the age you feel, especially since you carry it off so well.

[pagawne.livejournal.com]

Sweet Lady, be yourself, head up, and proud. Remember too many don't make it your age at all.

You can talk about "inappropriate hair style when you hit 80", then you can just put your hair up and smile sweetly at them.

Happy Birthday, and many, many more of them.

[meranthi.livejournal.com]

My class dean had snow white hair down to her shoulder blades and looked stupendous. Long hair is for those who want it!

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday, kiddo.

I had my own "huh" moment when I hit 43, the age at which my father died and the age I never thought I'd live past. That whole year was really unsettling. The good news is, when 44 came along, the whole "I shouldn't be alive now" feeling passed, and my mental image of myself recaliberated on its own. Now, at 61, I find myself looking forward to whatever future I have left with interest and curiosity. Even if I do sometimes wake up feeling like I'm still 14 ...

[umbran.livejournal.com]

As far as I am concerned, being mature is having the wisdom and experience to be able to choose when to be childlike.

[jducoeur]

This.

[arachne8x.livejournal.com]

indeed

[ladyqkat.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday!

Echoing the sentiments above for much the same reasons. Enjoy your life in your own way and let no one tell you how to live it.

I will probably always think of you as the youngster I met first in alt.c who was very excited to get into veterinary school and regaled us will the boredom and excitement of everything you were learning. (Cow surfing, anyone?) I am very glad that I found you here and you let us in to see a glimpse of the person you are.

I hope you have many more happy years ahead.

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

I've mostly discarded thinking of myself as a certain age (when I take surveys that ask me my age, I'm always a little nonplussed when I find myself putting down 46). I am who I am, regardless of age. My tribe of choice has a wide range of ages, too.

Don't "act your age." Be yourself.

And happy birthday!

for some reason I started thinking of Tennyson's "Ulysses" when writing this...

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Best wishes for a happy birthday (sorry I'm lame this year), and many more, increasingly happy days to come!

[filkertom.livejournal.com]

So many hugs and much love.

[lolleeroberts.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday!

I think what's appropriate is what makes YOU feel comfortable and good about yourself. Long hair, nerdy kid, steam punk bellydancer and all. Let that phreak phlag phly, baby!

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I'm older than I ever expected to be, too, but I'm getting used to it. Do what makes you happy.

Wishing you a happy birthday and as many more as you want.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

That "didn't think I'd live to be 30" thing? Yeah, I felt that way once. Then after 30 came and went, I had 47 looming, because that's how old my father was when he died. Now I'm at a place where every birthday represents another ancestor outlived. (If I make it to 92 I'll have set a new record.)

Anyhow, I think you're doing pretty well with living the life you've got.

Have a happy birthday today, and I hope the year ahead is your best yet.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I didn't have an explicit "sell before" date for my age, but I never expected to live to see middle-age myself. Not neccessarily for the same reasons -- me, it was the cold war. I expected to die in thermo-nuclear death, or the resulting fall-out and societal collapse, rather than live for very long -- and things came close upon occasion.

So, yeah, there is some identity stuff to figure out with "being older". And, what the heck is age-inappropriate about your hairstyle? I dunno, but it is very ladysprite-appropriate.

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I don't even know what questions to ask, right now....

I don't know that questions are right at these moments. I find just being is hard enough, and trying to be myself.

As I grow older, I find myself asking if the 5 year old me or the 12 year old me would like the person I am. So long as that is true, I'm okay. When it isn't true... ...that is when I worry.

For what it is worth, I think my childhood selves would appreciate who you are almost as much as I do.

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

Seconding what everyone else has already said. (I have long-ish hair; about once a year I get it trimmed to just-below-shoulder length. And I'm 60.)

(Also, I truly didn't believe I'd live past 18. And I wasn't a kid who got in any sort of trouble; the exciting things I did were practicing organ at church for three hours a day, and singing in Cantata Singers. No idea why that age was going to be the last one, either. Sometimes it's very weird, looking back.)

(Also also, both parents died a week to ten days before their 66th birthday; heart attack on top of terminal cancer for one, problems following emergency heart surgery for the other. But... they both smoked, and my father was also a chemist, pre-OSHA, so there were risk factors I don't have. No idea for how long I'll last; lots of chronic illness stuff going on, but none of it necessarily life-shortening.)

(Also³, that thermo-nuclear-war death thing. The stupid grade-school duck-under-your-desks thing reinforced that, big time, as I already knew exactly how useless that would be.)

Be yourself, whatever that self may become. Wear white shoes before Memorial Day and after Labor Day. Keep the hair. Let your mirror be a guide to what you wear, not some outdated list of "shoulds". (My mental image of you is of someone I'd describe as "vibrant", and that has no age restrictions.)

[solipsistnation.livejournal.com]

I haven't had a haircut since, I think, 1994.

[solipsistnation.livejournal.com]

I think I remember you telling me that about age 30 a million billion years ago. I hardly see you any more (it's been, what, ten years now? a really long time) but I'm glad you hung on long enough to have an existential crisis about being this old.

I'm 38, and I still think of myself as, oh, 20-ish. I have to remind myself, talking to our student workers, that I'm heading for twice their age. I was talking to the 15-year-old son of a friend from high school about video games, and he started in with "So I use Steam-- it's this online game service, where--" and I interrupted him and got all curmudgeonly about it. Come ON, kid, I've been playing video games longer than you've been ALIVE.

I don't really have any answers for you, but being old does mean that you get to lecture young whippersnappers, which is always fun. And you don't have to give up everything because one part is getting embarassing. Keep being a nerd and doing the interesting stuff. If hanging out on campus is weird? Uh... I guess my career path reveals that I'm not very good at giving up that part of it... 8)

I think you can probably figure out what's right for you. Just don't be afraid to change your mind. Making that kind of decision isn't irrevocable. If you decide to stop doing something and miss it? Start it up again!

And happy birthday. 8)

[mamatiger.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday! And if you want a role model, you couldn't do much better than Ruth Gordon -- she starred in Rosemary's Baby at 72, with long hair, IIRC, and you can just tell from watching her that it just never occurred to her that she was getting "old," no matter how many wrinkles she got.

Cut your hair or not because it's what you WANT to do, not because of outside pressure. If you don't look like yourself, to yourself, when you look in the mirror, it can cause quite the cognitive dissonance. (Conversely, don't leave it long because you think you have to because it's always been that way. You are allowed to reinvent yourself as often -- or as seldom! -- as you like. Look at Madonna!)

A thought experiment: If you were the alternate universe Becky who grew up with the Best Parents Ever, what would you do, how would you think? You could LARP the altBecky!

Have a good evening!

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

If you don't look like yourself, to yourself, when you look in the mirror, it can cause quite the cognitive dissonance.

This. I started dyeing my hair at 40 because I was tired of looking in the mirror and seeing someone else. And then I decided to leave a section undyed in front, for a Rogue streak, and I get a TON of compliments on that.

There are always people who will try to cut you down for not living out their personal expectations, or because it makes them feel better about themselves if they can make someone else feel bad. Scroom, as Dusty would say. They aren't in charge of your life; YOU are.

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

LOL. I am looking 44 in the eye, and I still don't feel it (except in the muscles, on bad days). I see guys who are ostensibly in my age range and think "Wow, he's too old for me." I wear my hair as I like, and the hell with what people think of it.

Then again, I was absolutely sure I would never see 18, and so every single year has been a gift since then. I don't worry much about my mental age, and so far, my physical age is pretty young. Yes, I have a few wrinkles and under my eyes is dark, but the only women who *don't* get wrinkles are the ones who never *use* their faces. No real smiles, no tears, no allowing emotion to show. I've worked with some of those, and they are creepy beauty queen people. I would rather have every line on my face than not have experienced everything that makes me who I am.

Welcome to 36. It really does keep on getting better!

[jtdiii.livejournal.com]

You are now old enough not to care what shallow people think. Do what you want, when you want and how you want.

p.s. Keep you hair long, until you feel the need to cut it. It is beautiful as it is.

[siderea]

[weasel2000.livejournal.com]

Ahhh...36, I remember that year...it was a good year, it was the year that I got married (so your already ahead of the curve...and yes, you do have nice curves, and beautiful hair and a great personality but you know that!) I am also part of the never thought i'd see 30 club...I mean, as a kid 30 is like forever, it's so far off...blink and now at the age of 38, I got a kid!?!?!? How in the heck did that happen? I look forward to the opportunity to enjoy my childhood again through the eye's of Joshua...I want him to know all the great stuff he has ahead of him. And I want you to know that there is great stuff ahead for you too...let's experience the future together!

[joannahurley.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday!

If you're old it means I'm old, so you can't be old. :) And you're only as mature as you want to be at the moment.

[fractalgeek.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday!

I think that people of our ages have not followed the "traditional" things that people used to do at particular ages; there is far less differentiation by age than there used to. There are very few activities that age REALLY matters for, between teens and 40s/50s. (Uptake of bungie jumping and free-fall parachuting REALLY falls off once you understand mortality a bit better!)

To take a silly example, I play video games - so do teenagers. Is that just a leisure activity, or haven't I grown up? Does the question matter? I don't care - I enjoy it, I play differently to a teenager, but my superior strategy can beat kids who might be faster. Tabletopping and LARPs are two other things, that have an increasingly "middle-aged" profile. If it works for you, go for it!

PS - your hair? If it looks good, and it's your style, be happy.

[felis-sidus.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday!

Forgive me if I repeat any themes from other commenters. I'm intentionally commenting without reading what others wrote because I want this to be straight from the heart. And it comes from someone who's enough older than you are to speak from experience.

It sounds as though you're asking the kinds of questions that are exactly age-appropriate, according to the school of psychology that sees maturing and aging as a matter of going through various stages, each with its own tasks. Taking stock is a great basis for moving forward.

It's not surprising that at some point you became older than your image of yourself. That's okay; it happens to everyone sooner or later. My mother explained this to me. She said that at some point your self-image stops aging, but your body keeps on going. She explained that this is why reflective shop windows become something of a shock as you get older. The trick is to develop a sense of humor about it. My own self-image stopped aging somewhere in my late 20s to early 30s. It makes me laugh each time I get an unexpected glimpse of my reflection and am surprised that I no longer look as I did back then. I'm glad my mother warned, me though!

As for giving up things you enjoy - Don't! It's not necessary to hold onto things which no longer interest you, but if you enjoy something, keep doing it. It's the interest and joy in living that keeps a person young in spirit, and that can affect how you look physically.

It's fine to continue enjoying the friendship of younger people as you age. I think it's far healthier than limiting yourself to people your own age. My friends' ages range from decades younger than I to decades older. Why not? An interesting and convivial person is interesting and convivial no matter what age he/she happens to be.

Sure, friends of very different ages may enjoy some things that you don't. But they might also expose you to delightful experiences you'd never have had if you limited yourself to people your own age. If it wasn't for a friend much younger than I, I would never have heard of LJ, let alone joined. My life is much richer for this discovery and the new friends I've made here.

To me, it's not a matter of thinking of myself as more mature or older, it's more a matter of growing into a sense of my own competence and valuing the experiences I've had, and am going to have. In spite of the disconnect between my youthful self-image and my actual age and appearance, I like myself as I am. I'm not young anymore, and that's okay with me. I can joke about being "old" because in my heart I'm young, and hope always to be. As far as maturity goes, there are people I know who were more mature as pre-teens than others I know who are in their 60s and 70s.

I'd also suggest you not worry about style. You're self-aware enough to look in the mirror and know whether or not what you're wearing looks good on you. Some people should never wear miniskirts at any age. Then there's Tina Turner. If you like your hair long, keep it long. Who cares what someone else thinks? IMO anyone who thinks that certain hair styles are acceptable only for certain ages is out of touch with current fashion. Somewhere on-line (maybe Yahoo?) I recently read an article on this very subject. The author took the position that long hair can actually make a woman appear younger than her years. There were pictures and examples of gorgeous well-known women far older than you who wear their hair long.

So, to sum up: Do what you love, spend time with those you love, wear what you want, plan to do what you think is important and fulfilling, then do those things, and you'll be fine.

Lots of good things are in your future; may the coming year be filled with them!

[z-gryphon.livejournal.com]

I'm on a lot of these same pages, especially in light of my current adventure status. Between that and the inevitable and unfortunate coincidence that I had a Very Bad Day on this date in 1996 - which doesn't seem like it can possibly have been 14 years ago - I'm a little out of balance now, but:

I don't want to be one of those awkward frozen-in-time people who[...] haunt college campuses[...] when they really ought to have moved on.

When I walked into the classroom for the first lecture in Fundamentals of Public Speaking back in August, the instructor hadn't arrived yet, and the kids immediately quieted down a little; it took me a moment to realize that it was because they thought I was the instructor.

Who turned out, when she did arrive a few moments later, to be a grad student, 25, 26 years old.

I felt vaguely uneasy for the rest of that... well, I'll let you know if it goes away, actually, it hasn't yet.

What's really going to be funny is if I actually manage to get all the way through this adventure, I'll be turning up for entry-level engineering job interviews. With my grey beard. At least you haven't got that to contend with. :)

But yeah, it's been popping into my head more and more often lately that when my dad was the age I am now, I already had my driver's license and everything. I turned my back for a couple of minutes, and suddenly my grandparents are in their 80s, I mean, what?

I can see only one viable course of action. We're going to have to spin the planet backward.

Or, failing that, you could buy an unsuitable hat and learn to enjoy telling the people who criticize your hairstyle that you have socks older than they are. I'm kind of reaching the point now, exacerbated by my daily dealings with actual college-age people, where I'm a bit looking forward to being genuinely old, apart from the inconvenient fact that it'll be at the wrong end of my lifespan. But they keep telling me medical science will have that cracked by the time I get there, if I can avoid being hit by a bus in the meantime! :)

Oh, and: happy birthday, and for the record, if it wouldn't get me pummelled, I still totally would. ;)

(Hmm. Let's try that again...)

[dornbeast.livejournal.com]

To Void with the labels. You are ladysprite, Banshee, Rebecca. You don't have to be young, or mature, or anything else. Just be you.

Happy birthday!

[starshadow2004.livejournal.com]

I stumbled upon your LJ, though I'm not on here a lot (haven't been for a while, more on Facebook.) Figured I'd make it an even 36 comments for your 36th birthday (belated) - so, Happy birthday!

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

First, a belated happy birthday to you - the world has been made brighter by your birth, and I'm very happy that you are my friend.

I've been thinking of these things myself, trying to think about who and what I want to be.

One of the biggest things for me was a realization that I can make those choices from a place of power.

For example, there was a time when, if someone told me that my manner of speaking wasn't as effective as it could be, I'd be upset about it; people should pay attention to what I say, not how I say it!

But I realized, on my own, that I wanted to learn vocal techniques - that I wanted to be able to speak calmly, more slowly, a bit more deeply, and with greater seeming-authority. So I did, because that's how I want to be.

It was a *huge* difference in my outlook. It touched with that other thing I mentioned - remember how I said, I sometimes imagine someone's writing a book, and I look for the stuff that makes me smile and think the author just *perfectly* captured the character of John Palmer, that it was perfectly in line with what I feel I know about that character? That kind of thing. I'm trying to think more about that, and that really helps me make decisions about myself.

Because in many cases, there are no wrong decisions - a person might be the kind of person who ends up hanging out on college campuses with teenagers, because that's who they are. The danger is turning into, as you say, the person who hangs out on college campuses with teenagers who should have moved on - but didn't.