I Would Like to Be A Conformist Lemming, Please!

[ladysprite]

I love my fiance with a deep and abiding passion. I love my friends and family, and I love the fact that I'm getting married. I love my pretty wedding gown, and the ceremony writing is actually starting to fall into place, and the chance to celebrate with several dozen of my nearest and dearest is just marvelous.

That said, this entire wedding rigmarole is starting to annoy the bejeezus out of me. Here is an entire industry bent upon making you realize that you're broke, worthless, and all of your friends will hate you forever if you can't afford an open bar and a rehearsal dinner at La Expensiva.

I honestly wish I had a small fortune to fund this one day of my life. I wish I could afford to feed everyone I've ever met bottomless booze and lobster risotto and an entire raw cow apiece, with live music and free pony rides. Or, barring that, I wish I was cool enough and talented enough to just find an empty hall somewhere and sew my own dress and grow my own flowers and bake my own cake and weave tiny handmade baskets and fill them with tiny homemade chocolates for all my guests. But I'm not that rich, and I'm not that talented, and so I'm stuck with a wedding that is going to scream 'frugal' to everyone I know who was lucky enough to have family with money. And it just makes it worse every time my mother cries because she's going to have to live with her daughter having a wedding that's "good enough" instead of Storybook Perfect, because she keeps insisting that it's her fault for being a bad mother and refusing to believe me when I say that I'm happy with chicken for dinner and bagels for the rehearsal breakfast, which makes me feel like I'm a cheap bitch for being happy with that.

Stupid wedding. Stupid social pressure. Stupid inferiority complex. Stupid student loans and stupid low-paying job. Blah.

Comments

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

Stupid social pressure.

Absolutely. You might find Dave Barry's column today reassuring, or maybe not.

Social pressure, compounded by two strong-willed mothers each with her own ideas about what a wedding should look like, contributed heavily to Dale's and my decision to get married at the County Courthouse and tell people afterwards. I do not recommend this choice to everyone, you understand, but it is an available choice.

[sjo.livejournal.com]

So for your reception, have a potluck dinner and music on the stereo and dancing however. People who really care for you want to see you have a wedding that makes you happy. Your mother cares for you but has bought into the idea that she's a failure if her daughter doesn't have a Pricess Di Winchester Cathedral hoopala.

larpwriting and I got married in a Grange Building, had a friend play bagpipes, and had a boombox play some music during the reception. We danced around an impromptu maypole. We had a nice caterer bring in some roast beef and turkey and stuff. It was not by any means a high-ticket wedding. On the other hand, our guests had a good time, and I certainly look back on it as one of the happiest days of my life -- not because of the ritual, or the reception, or even the maypole. Rather, it was the happiest day of my life because it was the day that I confirmed my commitment to be with my soul mate for the rest of my life.

Take shameless advantage of your talented friends, who no doubt would be thrilled to help you out. I bet there are folks who would happily assist with catering, sewing, decorating, and anything else you so desire. Were I local to you, I'd volunteer.

Absolutely

[madamruppy.livejournal.com]

As one who was fortunate enough to attend said wedding, it was a grand time. I still have my maypole ribbon! It was a fairly simple time and thoroughly enjoyable!

Puggles

Feel your pain

[madamruppy.livejournal.com]

All of those problems and more are why I chose not to have a wedding. We eloped and his parents threw a party the following day. The money instead went to buy a basement for our house. Clearly it is too late for you - but take heart when all is said and done the important things are

1. You will be married to someone you love
2. It will be wonderful
3. People will have a fabulous time
4. The only ones who will notice let alone remember any flaws are you and your mom - no one else cares. They really don't. It is all about them being there and sharing your day with you.

At the party for JMac and I - I had a HUGE panic attack, quit breathing etc. We were gone for over an hour while I recovered. The party went on without us, friends cut the cake for us. I assure you that there are people who were there who have no idea we left or that someone else cut the cake. Those who do know, don't care. We went to JMac's cousin's wedding in Ohio several years ago. It was beautiful and completely story book in every way. Perfection as designed by the theater major that she was. Only she and he knew that there was no dove release as they exited the church or that the dinner menu wasn't exactly as ordered. I know because she told me, but if she hadn't I wound't have realized that anything was amiss. The point here is to do your best, plan away, worry as you will, but in the end it WILL be just fine.

Puggles

[pagawne.livejournal.com]

Strangely enough, I am quite confidant it will be a lovely wedding. Not all your guests *want* lobster resotto*, or a bottomless bar. Mostly wnat they want is to share what should be the happiest day of your life so far. What all your friends want is to see YOU happy. That is the bottom line. Yes, the bells and whistles are nice and can be fun, but they aren't that important. If someone is just there for the "show" they really need to be some place else.

[mr-teem.livejournal.com]

I hope and pray that the "worst thing" your wedding day is remembered for is the--most certainly incorrect--perception of frugality.

(Of the dozens I've gone to, the only one I remember for anything close to frugality was the one where the hundred-fifty-or-so guests all arrived in the hall and we proceeded to devour a modest spread of veggies and cheese with two chafing dishes of appetizers. When the ravenous bridal party arrived a half hour later they found out that the guests had already finished dinner. The bride's aunt shouted at the bridal party: "Well I made must have been two hundred of those little meatballs!" Several of us on the groom's side sprung for pizzas.)

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Oh honey.

Some of the loveliest weddings I've been to have been potlucks and so on. It's not about the Money, it's about celebrating your joining your life to your beloved's.

*big warm elope-elope-elope hug*

[sdavido.livejournal.com]

I had people pester me a bit too about our wedding not having a bar (I'm referring to myself and catvette obviously). I finally got upset enough to at least comment to Elka that if people couldn't enjoy our happiest day without getting drunk, who needs them!

The only alcohol we had was in the wine bottle for the ceremony, and we managed okay. I really think going alkie-free will save you quite a bit, and let's face it, we can all be thrilled for you without it.

You and Arniss are the only people who matter on that day. Believe it. We do.

[sdavido.livejournal.com]

Okay, I should know my wife's lj tag is "vettecat," and I TRIED to fix it! Really! *sheepish grin*

[sdavido.livejournal.com]

I had people pester me a bit too about our wedding not having a bar (I'm referring to myself and vettecat obviously). I finally got upset enough to at least comment to Elka that if people couldn't enjoy our happiest day without getting drunk, who needs them!

The only alcohol we had was in the wine bottle for the ceremony, and we managed okay. I really think going alkie-free will save you quite a bit, and let's face it, we can all be thrilled for you without it.

You and Arniss are the only people who matter on that day. Believe it. We do.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

No offense, but can my cow be cooked, please? I don't do rare beef ;)

Seriously, don't sweat yourself for a Big Expensive Wedding. Doing what makes YOU happy is far more important. If your mom wants you to have the Big Fancy Wedding, you can tell her she's more than welcome to pay the $40K it would cost, naturally, but...

Heck, it's YOUR day, not HERS.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

The only thing stupid here is the culture that shoves all these stupid expectations and guilt-trips down our throats. I'd like to throttle whoever thought it was a good idea for couples to start their married lives with humongous wedding debts.

I'd also like to wave my magic wand over everyone in your life who's stressing about the trappings and make them relax and give you space to just enjoy yourself.

I'd like a pony, too, but just for my sister.

[nsingman.livejournal.com]

Stupid social pressure, indeed.

Connie and I were married at the Justice of the Peace in Brooklyn, on a hot Friday, August 20th, 1982. A few close friends were there, and we then returned to her grandmother's apartment for a small, casual party. It was wonderful, simple, and quite inexpensive. A good thing, because we really didn't have much money.

We're not as poor now, and I could afford a substantial wedding for my children (they're only 18, 15 and 13 - hopefully it's not in the offing soon) with little difficulty. But it will be a cold day in Hell before I'd ever consider funding such a spectacle, even partly. I've attended some fancy weddings, and have yet to come away thinking that the money couldn't have been spent in far better ways.

[antoniseb.livejournal.com]

I had two relatively low-budget weddings. In both cases many friends helped make it special. In neither case did the bride's parents moan about what they'd hoped for their little girl's big day; they just took it and went with it. Both were fine weddings. One was even a fine marriage.

I believe that frugal weddings give a lot of your friends a more concrete way to participate than simply buying a gift, and maybe having a short thing to read or sing. Embrace it.

Not to pick nits

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

Some shortcuts I took when I was handfasted and wanted 100+ guests

Music = stereo + mixes
Flowers = my aunt volunteered
Dress = Two costuming friends
Cake = friend with baker's thumb
Food = frequent event cook

Handling a wedding as an SCA event is a touch cheesy, but honestly, it's more fairytale and friend-centric than an industry wedding, and you have so many friends who love to volunteer...

Hey, why are you looking at me like that... ...I didn't mean me... um, well, I suppose... um...

[catalana.livejournal.com]

I read an article in the newspaper last summer saying that the average cost of a wedding (this is the *average* right? That means some are even *more* expensive) was something like $30,000. This is insane. People want to see you get married, they want to share in that. Most of them don't care too much about the trappings, as long as *you* are happy. Don't feel too bad.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that your mother feels bad about this, but honestly that's her problem and not yours. I know she's a wonderful woman, and that she's very kind and generous, but in this her desire to make things perfect for you is interfering with what ought to be your happiness.

But I tell you, here and now, that your wedding will be Storybook Perfect. I know this, because I know the bride, and whether she is married wearing a flour sack or a satin gown, she will be the very essence of bridal beauty and perfection in that moment.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

her desire to make things perfect for you

I don't know ladysprite's mother, and so I could easily be wrong, but what I'm seeing is her desire to make things perfect for her, the heck with what ladysprite wants.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry if I misphrased things, because that's not the impression I want to give at all.

My mother is a dear and an angel and a wonderful friend to me, and she honestly and truly wants me to have the bestest of everything. She wants this to be perfect for me, and to be perfectly what I want. Unfortunately, she also wants to be able to give me the sun and the moon and the stars, and she wants me to be able to have something huge and fancy. And she feels like she's a failure because she can't even offer me that.

She's not a failure. She's doing more than I thought she would be able to, and she's the reason we're at least having a catered reception instead of a potluck in our yard. But because she feels bad about not being able to drop five figures on my Special Day, I feel bad that my not being able to have that kind of wedding makes her feel bad, and it's a whole unfortunate spiral of guilt and upset.....

[siderea]

You mom may be a saint on earth, but the way she's behaving is contributing a lot to your feeling inadequate. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you or want the best for you, but it means she's caught up in her own drama to the exclusion of realizing what's going on with you.

Somebody needs to sit her down and have a serious talk with her. It may have to be you, but it's the sort of situation which cries out for female-relative intervention. Has she got a sister you're both close with? Or do you have a sister who's in a position to get involved?

Mother-daughter dynamics are -- no matter how good the relationship -- insane. No other relationship is so prone to bad boundaries; it's like we never really forget our bodies were once one being. Mothers look at their daughters and see themselves; daughters look at their mothers and see the whole world. It's hard for mothers and daughters to look at one another and actually see one another. It can require someone else to supply a word to the wise or a swift kick in the shins, as appropriate.

Sounds like your mom is thinking about all the Storybook dreams of her own that didn't come true, and sees in your not getting a "perfect" wedding a perpetration of an old injustice anew on her own daughter. Mothers often project themselves onto their daughters, their own disappointments and fantasies, and resolve to defend their daughters the way they felt they were never defended from the vagaries of life.

But daughters look at their mothers and see judgment. They want to live up to their mothers' esteem. So when their mothers are disappointed, they tend to feel it is because they have been the disappointment. Yearning-hoping for a favorable, merciful judgment, they offer their mothers the gentle, positive judgment they hope to receive in turn.

So here we are: your mother defending you against the injustice of you not having a "perfect" wedding, and you offering up the positive judgment that she's doing a great job.

It's a lot like that O. Henry story about the combs and the pocket watch.

Hmmmm. Here's an idea. Start being really demanding. Not of expensive things, but of just exactly the right thing. If you were to burst into tears that you'd always dreamed of having exactly this one particular shade of red peony in your wedding boquette, she'll have a quest to go on that will allow her to feel she's making your wedding perfect; she will tear apart the world looking for exactly the right red peonies to make her baby happy... and stop trying to find things for you to want. See, she's manufacturing standards because you haven't been providing them. If you said "the only things that will possibly do are..." she could get behind them, and it wouldn't matter that how much (or little) they cost.

Betcha been all "that's OK... no really..." right? If instead you were, "But I WANT my wedding to be in a small chapel. That's what I always dreamed of! It's MY day!" or whatever, you wouldn't get much argument.

This, now that I think about it, is exactly the tactic my sister used for controlling her wedding. :) She declared that she was going to have a "non-traditional" "modern" wedding. No, we had no idea what that meant, either. That way, she absolutely hamstrung clever tradition-based suggestions from third parties. She announced whatever constituted "non-traditional, modern" in weddings, and everyone had to roll with it, or look like pushy jerks. In that way, she was able to afford the wedding herself (one of her goals was to accept no parental money for the wedding.)

[siderea]

All the money in the world can't buy magic.

Money can buy lobster risotto, but, you know, I can't think of a single fairy tale which mentions lobster risotto. Money can buy you a rehearsal dinner at La Expensiva, but, rack my brains as I might, I can't think of a single rehearsal dinner mentioned in all the Brothers Grimm, to say nothing of holding it one at an expensive restaurant.

I'm pretty sure I've read about flowers at weddings, but I can't think of a work of fantasy which involves florists. By way of contrast, I can think of any number of myths and legends which held that the flowers took care of themselves.

Knowing you, I don't think your heart is set on a middle-class conformity. What you want is the "Storybook" part, not the "Perfect" part. I'm pretty well convinced that one can manage the "Storybook" part with all of a spouse, a clean dress in your choice of colors, a handful of fresh-picked wildflowers, a public park, an officient, a Commonwealth of Massachusetts marriage license, and a sense of dignity. Everything additional is gravy.

So cling to your values and your aesthetics. If you want a Storybook Perfect wedding, you have to keep track of which storybook. But if you know which is your story, bemusedly blowing off trappings-pushers who are trying to sell you things which aren't in your story is much easier.

Ï

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

If you want a Storybook Perfect wedding, you have to keep track of which storybook. But if you know which is your story, bemusedly blowing off trappings-pushers who are trying to sell you things which aren't in your story is much easier.

This is both brilliant and beautifully said. May I add it to my quote file, and if so, how would you like to be attributed?

[siderea]

Why, thank you! Of course; just attribute it to Siderea on live journal. Or the same at "mixolydian.org"

[rivka.livejournal.com]

ladysprite, you were at my wedding. We didn't have a lot of money, and I was busy writing my dissertation prospectus during the planning - so I damned well didn't have the time (or the talent, come to that) to make decorations and things myself.

It was a very lovely wedding anyhow, and yours will be too. The love is the important part, and you've got that in spades.

[greenman65.livejournal.com]

I can wholly commend to you the comment that Jezebel made to me the week before our wedding last summer - http://www.livejournal.com/users/greenman65/6877.html

[tpau]

the wedding industry is made to suck your money. spit on the wedding industry. do it your way. let friends help. all else is irrelevant if you are married to your sweetie by the end of the day...

[pixel.livejournal.com]

"I just want to note that I will not care in the least what you spend on your wedding or where it is held or any of a hundred simmilar things.
All I will care about is that I get to see the two of you get married and have a wonderful day (as part of an ongoing wonderful life).

That being said I'm willing to assit if there is anything you think I could help with.
I can even offer you a black & red flamed hot rod cadillac[1] to be used as the limo for your wedding..."


[1] because in theory the weather will have warmed up enough by then to have finish painting it.

[sdorn.livejournal.com]

I want that you and umbran should be happy together—that you help each other over the hard spots in life, enjoy much of life together, and that your debates are verbal masterpieces that Jerry Seinfeld wish he had written. Well, okay, maybe not the last one, but you get the idea.

I make no wishes about your wedding other than that you attend it, that you have plenty of people who love you both there to share it and wish you well with ideas that overlap substantially with mine (except the Seinfeld-scripted discussion part). As Miss Manners (Judith Martin) put it, if your wedding day is the happiest day of your life, the marriage is all downhill from there. Good, yes. My siblings' and my weddings ranged from the backyard affair (two of us) to the large party style (two of us) to the smallish elegance that my mother-in-law arranged from Elizabeth and me. The police even shut down my sister and brother-in-law's reception party (too much noise). We're all still married. Hmmph. Both sets of grandparents stayed married all their lives, even though my paternal grandmother spent so much on his wedding reception that he and my grandmother had to get to their new home on the subway. So there's no correlation between wedding sizes and styles and marriages, I think. But you know that, and we all know that you know that.

Oh, and the rant is perfectly understandable. Yes, I know it's just darned frustrating and you're sheepish that you even have it as a fantasy and... and you're not even up to one smidgen of the nuttiness that I've seen some friends go through for wedding planning. Are you making your victims best friends buy incredibly offensive taffeta gowns that they'll never wear again? Are you ordering people about because it's "your day"? Are you using a wedding as guest extortion? No, I didn't think so. You're nice. Your fiance's nice. Your mother's nice. His family's nice. By the power invested in me as an lj friend, you're hereby absolved of minor irrationalities connected with the wedding. Pfft!

[claire.livejournal.com]

{{{{hugs}}}} I've been engaged for a year and a half now, and am no closer to actually getting married. When I do it will be low-key, kegs and barbeque somewhere nice near the beach. Because it's my day and I want to not have to wear the merangue dress and have the suits and pomp and circumstance.

I guess what I'm trying to say is as long as you have fun and it's the kind of day you'll remember happily for the rest of your life, well, the rest isn't important.

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Hey, Weredonut - what URL did you go to for that icon?

[claire.livejournal.com]

http://www.dookyweb.com/index.php?seccion=avatars

Hours (well, minutes) of fun.

[sonata960.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain! We're getting married in less than three weeks, and I do find myself second-guessing some things. But then I snap myself out of it and repeat what my sweetie always says to me when i get the least bit stressed about the planning...

"You, me and meaning it, love"

Your wedding will be beautfiul because your and your fiance will be happy and in love. All the rest is gravy.

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Oh, hugs, hon...

I'm sorry there's so much pressure.

Refuse to take it in. The ONLY thing that matters is that one day very soon you and your sweetie will look into each others' eyes and say I Do, surrounded by the joy of loved ones.

Nothing else matters. And truly, that's all that people are really coming to see.

Not the pageantry of a dress, or the taste of food - wedding food's never really that great anyway.

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

The comments so far have recapitulated most of what I would have said.

Just remember your the first 'graph of your post. Repeat that to yourself when you need to. That is what is important.

I have been to all-out $$$ weddings that were fiascos. I have been to backyard potluck weddings that were grand and glorious and made me cry happy.

Act from your heart, use the resources you have, and all will be well.

::hugs::

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Please don't drive yourself crazy. We'll be there to watch the two of you get married, and smile at you as you walk down the aisle. Anything else is secondary.

Admittedly nobody can really understand the stress of planning a wedding until you go through it (speaking from experience). And I say that from the obsessively-detailed point of view. But it has to be right for you, not for anyone else. Just because the magazines say pink peonies are in doesn't mean you have to have them. (I had several arguments with our florist over that.)

If it isn't already covered, I'd be honored to make your wedding cake, if you'd like. (My mom and I made mine.) I've thought of offering for a while but I thought it might be too pushy. I would just need some vague outline of what type of thing you'd like...

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. Thank you. That really means a lot to me, both just as the offer and as a way to have my friends involved.

Our package includes a cake, but to be honest the bakery has been my biggest source of annoyance to date. But... even if we do have to use them, would you maybe think of making a groom's cake for us? I think we'd both be flattered and honored if you would want to do that....

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

If the bakery is your biggest annoyance, you're doing pretty well!

And, you're very welcome. I'd be happy to make you a groom's cake. It would probably be easier to transport (fewer tiers), and groom's cakes are often chocolate. :-) Though it certainly doesn't have to be; you can let me know your preference when it gets closer. If you like we can get together some time and look at cake magazines...